Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.