….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
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I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
How I’d get arrested…
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable