If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
You Might Also Like
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
They’re called werewolves.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news