‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”