the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
You Might Also Like
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Brother?
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread