There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
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If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
socratic questions
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.