if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
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in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.