yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
This forever.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.