Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
You Might Also Like
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Bloody internet 😳
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
When he asks for feet pics
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah