The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?