Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
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*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
A woman drives into a bar.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.