her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
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Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.