[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
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Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
taking June’s advice to heart
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster