Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
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Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark