look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
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Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’