Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
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My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Them: Just act casual
Me:
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.