*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
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INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline