Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?