who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating