*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.