Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
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I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”