1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
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Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.