WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”