I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
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Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
rise and shine we got egg
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.