Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
You Might Also Like
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I am all good here, 😂😉
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?