If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
You Might Also Like
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Only a mother’s love …
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?