When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
You Might Also Like
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man