A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
You Might Also Like
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?