God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
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[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
The only equipped I am is ill.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots