Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
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You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Meow?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”