At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
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Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Very good news from my accountant
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly