Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
You Might Also Like
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.