[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
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Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
twitter is a journey
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.