doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
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If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Not all heroes wear capes….
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.