glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
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I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
being a writer on Twitter:
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
This was the best day of my life
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?