[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
You Might Also Like
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers