Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
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totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.