[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
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Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
“Huge”.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.