College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
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If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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