Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
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[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Florida be like…
Close call…
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.