Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market