What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
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M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.