Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
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#dalle2
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
this post was so formative to me
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.