Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
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People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.