When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
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microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
My therapist after every session
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.