Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I love the National Park Service.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened