Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
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If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?