If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
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I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Alexa: *deep breath*
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
That’s enough internet for the day
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.