Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
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Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
smartest karate player in the world
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.