Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
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Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Bruh PLEASE
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.